When the Akatsuki Plan Itachi's Birthday Party
by Onirei Kirara
Summary: The Akatsuki plan a birthday party for Itachi. It was Tobi's idea. 'Nuff said. Some ItaNaru, other ghey implications, crack!


Yes, an Itachi birthday fic! I had originally started this last year, but couldn't finish it in time. So here it is, albeit a year belayed.

**Warnings/notes: **Some ItaNaru and other implied ghey but mostly just Akatsuki crack. Not insane crack, but crack nonetheless. 8) And because I started writing this last year, Pein is still referred to as 'leader-sama,' Tobi is still awesome, and everything is pretty much how it was a year ago manga-wise. Also: word count is 2670. It's a mother. xD

--

On June 9th that year, Deidara awoke at four thirty-two in the morning to an irritating poking in his side.

He tried to fall back asleep.

But then there was the sound of a kazoo in his ear, and that's not something you can fall asleep to.

"Tobi, _what the hell _are you doing??" Deidara hissed, sitting up straight and glaring at Tobi. However, it is very hard to glare at someone when there's a pink sleeping mask over your eyes. So he removed it.

"Oh, Deidara-sempai, you're awake!" Tobi snapped his orange mask back into place and put the kazoo in his pocket.

Deidara squinted and untangled the mask that had somehow gotten wrapped around his hair. He wouldn't have to wear the blasted thing in the first place if Tobi didn't insist on sleeping with a night light on.

"Now, Sempai, before you yell at me," Tobi began, effectively silencing Deidara. "I have a question. Does Itachi-san normally do anything for his birthday?"

-

Deidara had never seen Leader-sama act this enthusiastically before, and frankly, it was quite disturbing.

"That is an excellent idea, Tobi!" The leader's hologram flickered on and off as usual; however, today it seemed to be doing so more than often.

"Thank you Leader-sama!" Tobi grinned, pink ovals of blush blossoming on his cheeks. "But, um...are you having some technical difficulties?"

"What? No--I just happen to be busy, that's all. Hard to maintain chakra control while you're--ah, never mind. Regardless, we must discuss this plan of yours. Akatsuki, assemble!"

-

_5 minutes later_

"I hate to to break it to you Leader-sama, but everyone else is asleep, un." Deidara had been angry, but it took up too much energy to maintain anger. He would plant bombs in Tobi's vital organs some other time.

"That is unacceptable!" Leader-sama's hologram flickered on and off angrily. "Tobi, run to the main control room and activate the alarm clocks in all the rooms _except for_ Itachi and Kisame's."

"Yes Sir!" Tobi saluted, and ran off.

"Deidara, go wake Kisame up and get him to come out here!"

Deidara sighed. It was official; he wasn't going to get any more sleep today. "Uh...how?"

"I don't know--tell him his goldfish died or something."

Down the hallway, the sound of an alarm and a loud string of expletives could be heard. Deidara was at least content in the fact that he wasn't the only one suffering.

-

"My goldfish aren't dead!! What's the meaning of this??"

"Calm down Kisame," Zetsu shifted tiredly in his chair; "Leader-sama and Tobi called a meeting to plan a surprise party for Itachi-san, and we couldn't have him here for obvious reasons."

"Oh really? Wow, that's actually kind of a good idea. But next time, don't bring Gilbert and Sally into our affairs."

Zetsu shrugged. "Wasn't my idea."

"Akatsuki members!" Leader-sama addressed them in a hushed voice. "We have gathered here today at this super-early breakfast to discuss plans--"

"Leader-sama, why are we whispering?" Tobi interrupted.

"Because, Tobi, we are trying to be quiet so that we do not wake Itachi up."

"OH RIGHT!!"

"Tobi, _shut up, un!_" Deidara clapped a hand over the orange masked-man's general mouth area.

"Anyways, as I was saying, I called you all here because..."

"Um, Leader-sama?" Kisame raised his hand. "Hidan is asleep in his cereal bowl and I thought maybe we should help him before he drowns."

"...I was hoping no one would notice," Kakuzu grumbled. "And think it might be too late to save him, the bubbles stopped coming up a couple minutes ago."

Leader-sama's multicolored eye twitched. "Kakuzu, _please_ remove your partner from his breakfast. And the next time one of our members is in danger, I expect that you will assist them."

"Because we're a team, right Leader-sama??" Tobi whispered gleefully as Deidara pulled his hand away.

"...Fine." Kakuzu grasped the back of Hidan's neck and yanked him out, pulling out as many hairs as possible.

Hidan coughed and sputtered, sending milk and Fruit Loops flying everywhere. "T-the..what...I was busy!! WHO THE FUCK DID THAT?? YOU INTERRUPTED MY RITUAL!"

"Snorting up cereal is a ritual now, un?" Deidara grinned.

"You know nothing about Jashin-sama, and you will burn eternally for insulting his sacred teachings," Hidan coughed and wrung milk out of his bangs.

Elsewhere, at Leader-sama's actual location, he had just popped several aspirin. Probably too many.

-

Itachi awoke that morning to the sound of chirping birds.

Which was extremely unusual, considering that he was sleeping in a dark room in the back of a cave. He obviously shouldn't have eaten Hidan's cooking last night--who knows what kind of stimulants he put in it.

Then Itachi remembered what day it was.

"Hmmm.."

-

"Are we ALL CLEAR on the plan now??" Leader-sama hissed through clenched teeth. He hadn't been this stressed out since the members had argued over which rooms they got.

"Um, I think so. It's not really all that hard, un."

"Speak for yourself," Kisame sighed. "How exactly am I supposed to get Itachi out of here?"

"I don't care, use your imagination." Leader-sama rolled his eyes. He was beginning to think that this undertaking was way too advanced for this particular group of villains. "Just as long as he doesn't find out."

"Just as long as I don't find out what?" echoed a voice across the room.

There were several seconds of horrible, penetrating silence.

"Th-that I accidentally put your Uchiha boxers in the paper shredder!" Tobi blurted, standing up and knocking over his chair. "I am _SO _sorry, Itachi-san!!"

Itachi blinked. The majority of the Akatsuki cringed and feared for their lives.

"...I'm going out. Kisame, do you want to come with me?"

"Ah--um...yeah, sure."

-

"I think I started sweating blood. Seriously, I'm not shitting you."

"Nobody _cares _Hidan," Kakuzu grumbled. "Just shut up."

Hidan flew into a furious rage at Kakuzu. Nobody really payed any attention to them, however.

"I can't believe our luck! Tobi, you did a fine job. Let's start the preparations!"

Deidara pouted into his sleeve and muttered something about being _possibly, mildly, _proud of Tobi.

It took ten minutes to pull Tobi off of the blonde.

-

Kisame had been wondering for the past twenty minutes why exactly Itachi was wandering aimlessly around town.

No better time to ask then now. Kisame knew better than to poke him to get his attention—not even he could touch Itachi and get away without a few minor injuries.

"Hey—Itachi??"

"Hm?"

"What exactly are we doing?"

Itachi's eyes flickered from side to side. He seemed to be distracted, which was unusual to say the least.

"Nothing in particular. You can go if you want."

Kisame was hesitant to leave Itachi in his current state (his motherly instincts were kicking in), but then again, he really needed to go buy a gift.

"Ok, then, I'll see you back at the base. Lair. Cave. What do we call it again?"

"I believe Leader-sama instructed us to refer to it as 'home'. I'm going now."

And so, Itachi left.

-

"Deidara-sempai, HELP!!"

"Tobi, how the hell did you manage to get yourself tangled in streamers?? They're made of paper, un!!"

"Yeah, but they're really strong when they're all wound together!!"

"You look like a big pink mummy, Tobi." Zetsu commented.

"Are you guys sure Itachi likes pink streamers?" Leader-sama seemed to be slightly nervous. "Who bought these things?"

"I think it was Hidan, sir," Tobi responded. Deidara was attempting to untangle the streamers, but had got his pinky finger knotted up in the process.

Meanwhile, Kakuzu and the previously mentioned purchaser of pink streamers had both discovered the joys of balloons--and the helium they contained.

"Fuck, this is awesome!!" Hidan squeaked.

"Shut the fuck up, Hidan!!" Kakuzu squeaked back.

Leader-sama sighed for the seven hundred and fifty-eighth time that day.

The oh-so-convenient mouths on Deidara's hands began chewing through the streamers that contained Tobi. "These taste _awful,_" Deidara grumbled.

-

Itachi had never been one to do anything for his birthday, not really. Aside from the gifts his mother and Sasuke had given him as a kid (homemade cakes and crafts made of gobs of glitter glue, respectively), it was rarely acknowledged. But as of 12:23 this morning, Itachi was twenty-one years old and intended to do something for himself.

Which is why, at the moment, he was perched behind a certain Uzumaki blonde who was _definitely _not paying enough attention.

-

"I have no idea what to get him!!" Kisame yelled out to no one in particular. Several small children giggled at him before their gawking mothers dragged them away.

Cursing his lack of foresight (and luck with women) Kisame stomped off towards the nearest novelty store.

When inside, dozens of cute little snowglobes and the powerful scent of smelly candles greeted him. Kisame started sweating.

-

"Deidara-sempai is my hero!" Tobi exclaimed, as Deidara ran his hands under the sink, trying to get rid of streamer flavor. Shreds of pink streamer hung from the light fixtures, furniture, and were scattered on the floor. Hidan and Zetsu had filled up hundreds of balloons, but had forgotten to tie them to strings so they clung to the ceiling. Zetsu, meanwhile, was arguing with himself over whether to make a chocolate or vanilla cake.

"All things considered, not too shabby…" Leader-sama observed. "Zetsu, how's that cake coming?"

"CHOCOLATE!!" the dark half of Zetsu screamed.

"VANILLA!!" the lighter half yelled back.

"Maybe we should go pick one up at Nin-Mart!" Tobi suggested.

"Hey wait, un. Don't we need a sign or something? Like, 'happy birthday Itachi' or something?" Deidara questioned, surveying the living room with distaste.

Leader-sama facepalmed. "You're right!"

"I'll get the construction paper!" Tobi scampered off.

-

"So, is this a speciaaal boy you're buying a present for?" The salesgirl, a pretty blonde woman with a pink scarf, grinned slyly.

"Uhm, not really. Kind of. I mean, we're partners.."

"Oh my god, really?? For how long?" she squealed.

"Ah, well it's been a few years now, I guess."

"Well, you absolutely _have _to get him something special then. What's your price range?"

It was Kisame's turn to grin. "I'll take whatever you've got."

Kisame walked out of the store with what he considered a satisfactory gift. He left the pretty blonde salesgirl tied up in the back, gagged with her stupid scarf.

-

Itachi pulled the tie out of his hair in one swift motion, and used it to tie the flailing hands that kept grabbing at him to the back of the flimsy headboard.

"HEY WAIT!!" the person under him protested. "I don't go for that! Untie me you stupid bastard!"

"Shut _up_, Naruto-kun," Itachi growled, and kissed him firmly.

-

"AAAAAGH! TOBI, GODDAMN YOU, YOU CUT MY FREAKING HAND, UN!!" Deidara danced around, drops of blood falling off his hand as he flailed. "I FUCKING NEED MY HANDS, I'M AN ARTIST!!"

"I'm sorry sempai!!" Tobi wailed. "Hold on, I'll get a band-aid!"

"Deidara, calm down! You're going to get blood all over the banner!" Leader-sama was beginning to wonder why _exactly _he had thought this would be a good idea. "Hidan, Kakuzu, finish the banner please. And no, I do not want it to say, 'happy birthday Itachi you fucker,' please."

"Aw goddamit," Hidan grumbled.

"Ergh, Zetsu, what is that?" Kakuzu questioned, referring to the strange mud-colored confection the plantman had recently pulled out of the oven.

"It's a chocolate-vanilla cake," Zetsu grumped.

"Okay, APPARENTLY we don't have any band-aids!!" Tobi called from the back of the house.

-

Kisame snuck furtively into the Akatsuki lair/cave/home, hoping not to be noticed. He was fortunate in that Deidara's blood-spurting hand provided an adequate distraction, letting him sneak back into his room with a bag and a large roll of wrapping paper.

"I hate you, Tobi," Deidara sulked once his hand was tightly wrapped in about four feet of gauze.

-

"Wait, you can go again already?" Itachi nearly gaped; however, Uchihas do not gape.

"Excuse me for having a lot of stamina." Naruto glared at him.

-

It was done. The cake was iced, the banner was hung somewhat straight, and balloons and streamers were hung haphazardly everywhere.

Oh, and Kisame's birthday gift was tightly wrapped using almost an entire roll of red wrapping paper.

"Do you think I used too much wrapping paper, Deidara?" Kisame asked.

"I don't know, do I think I used too much gauze?" Deidara grumped, heaving up his arm.

"Um, yes?"

"Alright members!!" Leader-sama announced. "You all did an excellent job! Now all that's left is to wait for Itachi's return! Kisame, when will he be back?"

"Um…don't know."

"Where did he go?"

"No idea."

"Well, he can't be too long."

-

_15 minutes later_

"Do we have any booze?" Hidan asked.

-

_20 minutes and one trip to the liquor store later_

"Fuck, now this is the stuff!" Hidan grinned, downing a beer in approximately 2.5 seconds.

"Um, Hidan-san?" Tobi piped up cautiously from the corner. "Isn't drinking against your religion?"

"Hey, give me one of those," Zetsu asked Kisame.

"Oh, Tobi wants one too!"

-

_10:42 PM_

"I knew I shouldn't have gone with the hourly rate…" Itachi grumbled to himself after seeing the hotel bill. Admittedly, he was more then a little worn out. He couldn't wait to sleep, preferably for a good twelve hours.

-

_10:57 PM_

"Okay Tobi!! Now dance like a chicken!!" Kakuzu yelled, while Deidara howled with laughter.

-

_11:33 PM_

"…what?" The word escaped Itachi's lips before he could hold it back.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY ITACHI-SAAAAAAN!" Tobi screamed.

"I made you a cake." Zetsu stood up a little uncertainly, and wobbled over to the kitchen-area.

"And I shushtained a maaaashive injury using my aweshum artishtic skillsh to make you a shign!" Deidara slurred, pointing with a gauzed hand to the overhead banner.

Itachi cast a suspicious glance towards Hidan, who was passed out in Kakuzu's general crotch area, and then looked at Leader-sama.

"It was his idea." Leader-sama pointed to Tobi.

"…ah. So my boxers are intact?"

-

_1:01 AM_

Itachi walked unsteadily down the hall towards his room.

"Wait, Itachi!" Kisame yelled, a liiiittle too loudly for both their aching heads.

Itachi turned around.

"I got you a present!" The candlelight in the hallway reflected off Kisame's massive grin.

Itachi took the clump of red wrapping paper, and after about five minutes trying to figure out how to open it with Kisame staring at him unblinkingly, tore it open. Inside was a leather case. Itachi opened it.

"Hmm. Reading glasses. How…thoughtful of you, Kisame."

"And a red chain for them. To match your pretty eyes."

It was most likely the alcohol and sugar surging through his veins, or the culmination of a very long day with a lot of very good sex, but Itachi smiled.

Kisame squinted. "Is that chocolate-vanilla icing on your face?"

-

"Dammit Tobi, put your pants back on," Deidara groaned, and threw a balloon at him.

-

After finally making it back to his room, Itachi walked up to the sloppily made dresser carved into the wall and pulled it open. He took the glasses case from Kisame and laid it in the drawer next to neatly pressed Uchiha boxers, dozens of sharpened kunai, and an old piece of paper covered in glitter glue that sloppily said, _'Happy Birthday, Aniki.'_

He shut the drawer with a resounding thunk.

-

The next day Naruto would awake on the outskirts of Konoha and wonder where the hell he was, and furthermore, why all he was wearing was a sheet.

--

**OMAKE**

_June 9__th__, somewhere around eight A.M._

"Pein!!" Konan pouted, yanking on a lock of his orange hair.

"Eh?" he responded, looking down at her.

"Are you even paying attention? Do I need to top again?"

"Ah, no. I'm just…a little distracted."

She glared at him.

Being the Akatsuki leader was more trouble then it was worth.

--

Finish! Reviews are lovely. ;)


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